Forward
by greysantomyyyyyxxxxxx
Summary: Set right after Losing My Religion Deals with a lot of inner turmoil and emotion that we usually don't get to see on screen. MerDer. Final chapter is up!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Yet another take on the events that could follow the season two finale. Review please. I'll put up a new part each day. There are six in total. Pick up right where we left off with Meredith standing between Derek and Finn. **

Meredith breathed out heavily. She attempted to advert her eyes from Derek's. She could feel both men looking to her for some kind of signal. Something. She looked down to the floor. She couldn't bring herself to meet Finn's gaze. He didn't deserve any of this. He had plans, and she had gone and destroyed them. Yet again, Meredith couldn't breathe.

Meredith began to turn on her heel. Both men cried out to her. Not now… she couldn't break another heart tonight, not while her own heart was falling apart. She walked slowly away from the two men. One step. Two steps. With each step she felt some kind of independence. With each step she realized that maybe she was actually in control. For once her happiness was in her own hands, but why was this so hard? She knew what would be right, but why did right feel so wrong. Why did wrong feel so right.

She felt as if her heart was about to explode in her chest. She tried hard to keep focused on what was going on in front of her. She wanted to look back, but it was too late for that. She had to live her life forward. Her small spaced steps slowly became an all out sprit. She had to keep moving before she did anything rash, anything that might make her already difficult situation worse. She climbed in her car and let the tears, emotions, and feelings of the night free. Sobbing she placed her spinning head on the wheel of her car. How did it all come to this?

She had to stop her thoughts it was all too much to deal with right now. She now truly was the dirty mistress. Derek was married, and this time she knew he was married. They could never be friends. They could never be anything but lovers. She hated herself for loving him so much. She hated herself for giving into her emotions. He was right, no self-control. She felt like a dirty, dirty whore. He was right.

Finn didn't deserve to be dragged into this dirty mess. People were going to get hurt, and there was nothing anyone could do to prevent it. The stage was set, and it was up to Meredith to take the first move, to break the first heart. She had no idea what any of this meant. She just needed to stop crying so hard, so she could drive home. So she could at least physically separate herself from this mess, if only for the night.

Izzie. Poor Izzie She wanted desperately to feel badly for her friend. She had lost Derek, but he was never really hers to begin with. Denny had completely given himself to her, and he was snatched away. Nothing seems to ever work out. Meredith questioned the point of even trying. She began to find some kind of momentary control within herself. She fastened her seat belt and began to drive.

Part of Meredith was secretly jealous of Izzie. She was done with the program. She was one of the people who simply wouldn't make it. She was done. No more 100-hour workweeks, no more sacrifices, simply no more. Meredith didn't know how much more she could take. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be surgeons. Maybe her mother was right, but part of her felt that she had given too much of herself to back out now. She had to continue pushing forward.

She turned into her driveway. The house was black and empty. There were no cars in the driveway. Part of her was worried about her friends. She wondered where they were. The other part of her was relieved to be alone.

She climbed up the wooden stairs that led to her bedroom. Upon entering the room Meredith collapsed on her bed. She saw no point in changing her clothes. She rolled oven to her nightstand and took one of those pills she only used when things got just a little too unbearable. Those nights when sleep won't come on its on simply because she couldn't silence her thoughts for long enough to let it. She still smelled his sent on her body and clothes. She still felt his touch all over. Yet, she couldn't stop thinking about Finn and his plans. Her body gave into the medicine and pure exhaustion. She would deal with life tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Here's the second installment. I didn't get that great of a response to the first part. I'm working on another story so, entirely different in style and content. Hopefully I'll get it out within the next couple of days. Anyway, enough of my rambling—enjoy the story. If I don't get a better feedback than before this will probably be the last chapter.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **_

_**Chapter Two:**_

The sun shinned brightly through the blinds which Meredith forgot to close the night before. Groggily she reached for her clock. It was a quarter past seven. Meredith began to climb from her bed as the events from the night before slowly came back to her. She looked down at herself still dressed in her black gown. Meredith knew that she couldn't keep running from this situation, but maybe she could wait a few hours before she dealt with it.

Meredith jumped in the shower. She was almost sad to clean off his sent. This same sent that in some ways allowed her to slept through last night. Something about it was comfortable and familiar to her. It reminded her of simpler happier times. Time where Derek really was hers. Before Addison. Before Finn. The cool water ran down her body. She had little drive to get out of the shower, but she knew she couldn't stay here forever.

After she got dressed she looked into Izzie's room. Izzie was lying in her bed. Her make up we smeared across her face. Her beautiful pink gown was lying on the floor. George lied beside her in the bed. He held her as if he was never going to let go. Izzie needed some kind of contact; a human touch and George provided that for her.

Meredith thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell. It was time to face life. She slowly walked down the stairs. She didn't want to see what awaited her on the other side of the door. Her entire body tensed when she realized it was Finn. She had no idea what she was going to say to him. She still had no idea what she had decided to do.

Meredith took a deep breath as she opened the door. Meekly she said, "hi." Finn just stood there. He didn't say anything but rather stepped inside. The two of them just stood there for what seemed like an eternity. So much needed to be said, but neither of them was willing to say it.

"Meredith I knew you were scary and broken, but I never had any idea how broken you really were. I had plans, and they included you, but there's only so much I can do for you. There's only so much you'll let me do for you. I can't fix you. I can never make you feel complete. You need something else. Something I can't give you, and it's not fair to either of us if we keep moving forward. Something happened last night, and I don't know what, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know."

"Finn," Meredith began.

"Shh," Finn replied, "Let me finish. This is over, I know this. I really like you, and I can't sit here and try to love you try to help you all the while watching you suffer. I'm not angry. I don't resent you in anyway. I just need to protect myself."

Silence once again filled the room. "Bye Finn," Meredith finally said.

"Goodbye Meredith," Finn said and he walked to the door and shut it behind himself.

Meredith fell to the floor as the tears began to run down her face. Finn had left her, so why did this decision feel so hard so heavy. Derek was in fact still married. Regardless of last night, Derek made no indication that he planned to end his marriage. Perhaps what happened in the exam room was the result of simply lust and jealous rage. Perhaps she really was a whore. Meredith just sat there. Unwilling to make anymore steps forward, at least not for now. She needed to figure out how to deal with the now. Meredith just sat there and let her thoughts race through her mind.

_**Review please :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Forward**_

_**Author's note: I'm not too fond of this story, but it's already written and it seems like a few people are enjoying it so I'll keep putting the rest of the parts up.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Derek pulled his hands through his hair. What the hell was he going to do? What was there to do? He was tired of living a lie. He could never love Addison the way she deserved to be loved. His heart belonged to someone else. Meredith was broken and it was his fault. He had broken her, and as good as last night felt he was pretty sure he had broken her even further. He had to see her, but he didn't want to cause her even more pain.

He looked into his bedroom and gazed at Addison. Her red hair was sprawled across her pillow. God, she was so beautiful. He was so sure at one point she was the love of his life. What happened? Why couldn't he love her anymore? He wished he could pinpoint the moment in time that he fell out of love with her. It happened long before Mark. Mark just finally gave him an excuse to leave.

He didn't think she would follow him to Seattle. He wanted to love her. He wanted to make things work, but his heart was some place else. Meredith. Her touch. Her eyes. Her hair. Her. He wanted all of her, and there was nothing he could do about it. He knew he didn't deserve Addison or Meredith.

Would Meredith have him after all that had happened? Why did he feel the need to be a good guy? The moment he received the divorce papers from Addison he should have signed them. What was he trying to save?

Regardless of Meredith and what was going to happen in the future he had to leave Addison yet again. His heart was gone, and he was pretty sure Addison already knew this.

He opened up his top dresser drawer and pulled out the divorce papers. Every morning as he got dressed for work he was faced with these papers. Every morning he had to convince himself that they were trying, and their marriage was salvageable. Derek reached for a pen. Slowly he began to sign them. His hand shook uncontrollably.

He walked out of his bedroom and placed the papers on the table. He felt like an ass for doing it this way, but he couldn't face Addison. He knew he was being a coward. Addison deserved answers. She deserved to know what happened last night, but at the same time she deserved to be in a marriage full love and passion.

He knew he could not avoid the inevitable. He would have to talk to Addison. He would have to talk to Meredith. He would have to figure all of this out, but later, not now. He knew he couldn't fix what he had done in the past. He had to look forward. He had to begin to fix the things he had so badly damaged.

He grabbed his jacket and quietly exited the trailer. He looked around the land that he owned, and felt completely overwhelmed. What good is having two million dollar a year hands when his heart was falling apart, no one to spend his life with. He had to see Meredith. He wanted nothing more than to hold her broken body in his arms and comfort her. He wanted to tell her that he would never leave her again. He wanted to promise her that she would never again feel pain. He wanted to promise her that he would protect her not matter what came her way. He wanted to promise her that they would grow old together.

He got into his car and simply let his heart drive. He knew he shouldn't go see Meredith. He knew he should probably go to the hospital. He knew at the very least he should have stayed and waited for Addison to wake up so her could talk to her. He knew many things, but he had to do what he wanted to do. He pulled in front of Meredith's house. He couldn't bring himself to get out of the car. He just sat there.

He saw Finn leaving Meredith house. He looked visibly flustered. What had just happened? Was Meredith okay? He knew it would be selfish for him to talk to Meredith now. He waited for Finn to pull off. Derek rested his head on the wheel, and fought the urge to cry. He had to do something, anything. But for now he put his car in drive and drove forward.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Author's Note: I'm really disappointed with this story. All the parts are written and what not so I'll keep posting them for those who are still interested. Keep the reviews coming.**_

**Part Four:**

Derek pulled into the parking lot of Seattle Grace Hospital. Why had he come here? He knew that Addison had a surgery schedule this morning. He knew chances were that Meredith would be here as well. Maybe it was an attempt to force himself to deal with situation, or maybe he was just going to work.

As Derek walked through the halls of the hospital thoughts raced through his head. What would he say to Addison? What about Meredith? He quickly put on his scrubs. Work. He needed something to occupy his mind. Something that would allow him to do what he was best at—saving lives while his own was falling apart.

He stood in front of the elevator. He was determined to move forward with his day. The steel elevator doors opened and he quickly got it. The doors closed, but then they opened again. Addison stepped inside. He knew he should have taken the stairs. The elevator ride lasted for what seemed like an eternity. He needed to talk to Addison. She, at the very least, deserved that. He shifted his eyes to the floor praying that Addison would say something to break the silence. The elevator came to a stop. Addison followed him of the elevator. He could no longer avoid her stare.

"Addison," Derek began.

"Not now," Addison snapped back.

"We need to talk," Derek said as he pulled her into an exam room, not wanting to make yet another scene. Derek was all too familiar with this particular exam room. This is where he made love to Meredith the night before.

"Derek, seriously, what is there to say? You love Meredith, and you don't love me. You want a divorce. You didn't mean to hurt me. I get it. I really do. I don't need to hear you say any of it. I've known for months, honestly, I have. I just hoped that maybe you would get over her, but I was wrong. I should have never come here. But, I mean I tried. I really did. I sat here for months and watched you be completely miserable. You never tried Derek, never. You never shifted your eyes from her. You never missed a chance to talk to her. You never tried to love me. Derek I tried so hard, I really did." Addison said as tears began to run down her face. "Damn, I promised myself I wouldn't cry."

"Addison, I'm" Derek said as he stepped towards her, trying to make some kind of attempt to console her. "No, Derek, don't. I knew you didn't love me coming into this. I knew back when we were in New York, and there's nothing I can do about it." Addison tuned to exit the room when a pair of black panties caught her eye. She turned back around, "You didn't check on a patient last night, did you?" Derek shook his head no. "That's what I thought. I signed the papers and left them on the table. I'll go get my stuff from the trailer this afternoon after my surgery," Addison said as she left the room and closed the door behind herself.

Derek stood in the exam room, alone. Why did he not feel some kind of release? Addison did all the talking. He had gotten of relatively easily. His marriage was over. He was in the position that he could love Meredith the way she deserved to love, but he didn't feel any better. Derek bent down, picked up Meredith's panties, and left the room.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's Note: This is my favorite part of the story by far. I decided to put this one up a little sooner since the last chapter was so short. Enjoy! Feedback is welcomed as always :)**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

**Part 5:**

Addison ferociously scrubbed her hands. The surgery she just performed allowed her some kind of escape. A reason not to care that her marriage was over. A reason not to worry where she was going to stay tonight. A reason. Addison turned off the water and turned to change out of her surgical scrubs.

Addison drove straight home, not wanting to see anyone. She entered the small trailer. She really did hate this place. She looked at the bed that they had shared for the last few months, and was filled with grief. This was never her home. She had long lost Derek. She wondered why she was so stupid to actually think that things would change. Why was she still so deeply in love with him?

She looked down at her wedding ring. Eleven years had culminated to this single moment, dissolution of the vows that they both at one point had whole-heartedly meant. Slowly she began to gather her things. It was all too over whelming. She stopped packing and just sat on the bed, allowing herself to get lost in her thoughts.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard a soft knock on the door. She got up to get it. She wondered who it could be. It was Meredith. Addison opened the door. Meredith's face visibly fell as she opened the door.

"Hey," Meredith said as she stepped inside of the trailer. Meredith couldn't hide her confusion at the disarray of the trailer. Furthermore, she couldn't hide her surprise when she saw divorce papers sitting on the table. Signed. Meredith knew she had to go.

"Addison, I have to," Meredith began.

"Why Meredith? Seriously? What did you do to make him love you so much? I tried. I really did. I wasn't a bad wife. I mean the whole adultery thing, but damnit I had already lost him at that point. I loved him with my entire heart and soul, and I thought that would be enough. Why isn't it enough?"

"I don't know," Meredith responded.

"God damnit, I want to hate you. I want to hate you so much, but I can't. You did nothing wrong. You didn't know, and then your heart was broken. All because of me. You loved my husband. My husband loves you. You screwed my husband in an exam room, but I can't hate you. I have to hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you," Addison screamed as she slid down the wall to the floor.

Meredith stepped towards her and sat beside her. "I love him so much. I love him so very much," Addison cried.

"I know you do. I know. Shh," Meredith said as she wrapped her arms around her. "I do too, and I know I shouldn't. I wish I could stop. Shh."

The two women sat there crying.


	6. Chapter 6

_**AN: Here's the rest of the fic. Sorry it took so long for me to put up. Things have been very busy for me. Hope you enjoyed the story. As always, I appreciate feedback. **_

Meredith pulled into the parking lot of Seattle Grace. She couldn't help but shake the feeling that this entire mess was her fault. Addison was right. She should hate her. Meredith walked into the hospital and silently cursed her luck when she saw Derek approaching her. She had nothing to say.

"Seriously?" Meredith screamed at him. Derek gave her a puzzled, hurt look. Meredith ran to the stairwell and began her slow ascent up the stairs. It couldn't be this simple. He couldn't just divorce Addison and expect the two of them to live happily ever after. It just didn't work like that.

Meredith exited the stairway and Derek was leaning on the adjacent wall looking at her. That same look that made her heart melt every time. Their look. "You know the elevator is a hell of a lot faster than the stairs," quipped Derek.

"Derek not now. Not here. Not like this. Just leave me alone. This is all too much. Just stop, please. I'm exhausted," Meredith cried as she turned to walk into the locker room. Derek followed her.

"Stop please. I can't deal with this not now. Izzie and Christina, and Finn. I broke his plans, and Addison. Who loves you so much, but God I love you so much, and I don't want to. I just want this to stop. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it," Meredith cried.

"Mer," Derek began.

"Are you listening to me? Please stop. What do you need from me? I love you. I love you. I love you so much, but it's not enough," Meredith sobbed. Derek stepped forward and took his body into his arms. He held Meredith's small frame in his arms as her sobs wrecked through her body.

He wanted to hold her forever. He never wanted to let go. He ran his hands through her hair. He wanted to say something, anything. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but he knew that there was little he could do in this moment to begin to repair her heart that he had so badly broke.

The two lovers sat there, neither of them wanting to say what needed so desperately to be said. Derek knew he had to say something. "Meredith I messed up, and I know that. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted the easy way out, and I'm miserable. You're miserable. I just made a big mess out of things. Regardless of the mess or my need to feel like a good guy, I love you. I love you, Meredith, and I'm so sorry for hurting you so much. Last night was the first time in a long while that I felt whole. Everything about the situation was so wrong, but it was right. I can't go back and change anything, as much as I wish I could. I just know that I love you, and I want to move forward with you."

Meredith finally heard the words that she so desperately needed to hear. There was nothing left to be said. Not now, not today.

Silently Meredith and Derek walked out of the locker room and out of Seattle Grace. Silently Derek drove Meredith home. Silently they went into her house and into her bedroom. Silently they took off each other's clothes. Derek softly placed Meredith on her bed and kissed her. Soft. Silently they made love.

Neither of them had ever felt more complete in their lives. Before they had known so little about one another. But now they knew each other's dark truths. They far too familiar with each other's ugly sides. Similarly to the night before, Derek made love to all of Meredith. But unlike last night it wasn't rushed or wrong in anyway. They were simply two people who love one another, expressing their love.

Meredith rolled on her side. Derek grabbed her and pulled her into his body. They laid there silently. Neither of them knew what was going to happen next. Were they a couple? Would they be okay? What should they do next? There was so much they needed to talk about. So many things they needed to figure out, but they could wait because they had figured out the most important thing of all. They loved one another, and there was nothing they could do about it. They would just have to move forward. Together. The rest would fall into place.

--fin.

_**Thanks for reading :)**_


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